Mixed Media

Codependency

It's the middle of the night and you're talking in your sleep again. I listen intently, hoping to discover something you wouldn't normally share. No revelations, but it's entertaining nonetheless. I scoot a little closer and feel the warmth of your body radiate onto me. I smile at you though you can't see me. I close my eyes.

When I open them, we're in public. I feel insecure with a band-aid smack dab in the middle of my forehead. You don't seem to mind. Maybe because it wouldn't be there if it wasn't for you. You massage my throat and smell my hair. I feel warmth again, but this time it spreads from within me. In this moment, nobody exists but you. I close my eyes.

When I open them, you're sitting across from me. We're outside on a restaurant patio—intentionally placed near heat lamps. Artificial warmth. We're alone. I shiver while you look at me with repulsion. I hear myself push you away one word at a time. The more I succeed, the more loss I feel. The waiter jokingly tells us we're made for each other. I'm compelled to object, but I bite my tongue.

I glance back at you with curiosity. We're seated inside at a small table cloaked in white cloth. The lighting is dim and the background chatter, distracting. I hardly know you. Your arms are crossed, legs extended to the side. You're either extremely relaxed or horribly uncomfortable. It's hard to tell. You drink more water than the average person. I excuse myself to the bathroom.

I return to your bed. It's dark in your room, except for the lamp on your nightstand. I shyly join you under the covers. We talk for a while, inches apart. I've never been this close to you. I tell you we're not going to have sex. It was the first time I lied to you.

I hear my choppy breath as you thrust yourself inside me. I'm laying on my back with my legs extended to the side. I clutch my beige headboard with my toes for support. I grin as I watch you stand over me, grasping my hips. You're a little pink in the face. You've never looked sexier. I blissfully close my eyes.

I rapidly open and close my eyes to blink away tears. You don't seem to notice. I feel my heart breaking. You ask me if I'm still getting high. Please don't make me lie. I need you to hold me. You do. On your parent's couch. Aside from the TV, it's dark.

Your hot breath lingers on my neck as you spoon me. Tingles run up my spine. You've never held me for this long. There's a dry chill in my bedroom, but I feel warmth everywhere. Thanks to you. The urge to tell you I love you bubbles up inside of me. I wrestle with the thought until I fall asleep.

I open my eyes, smile and turn to face you. You're not there. A deep sorrow grows in my chest. I wonder how long you've been gone.